trackinglife's Diaryland Diary

2006-02-28||1:59 p.m.

Well we'll start with the small fish to fry before we move the grande one. I aksed a few ppl this week bout a certain situation and got not a unamious return in views. Lately all I've done is just pop back up and dream of Robby all the time and see his eyes everytime I close mine. I was thinking of him less and less and now it's like I'm thinking of him more and more. Instead of seeing his pic and being angry...I see it and just know...that's the guy that I love. Why all of this is coming back to me and having a relapse I don't know. It's hard for sure...I cry bout it lots. I asked the closest ppl to me for their opinion on rather I should let Robby know I've been having these feelings this past week or so or to hold it in. It hurts to hold it in and just think of it all the time but I don't wanna get hurt either. I'm unsure of what to do b/c in therapy I'm working on voicing my opinion b/c my lady tells me that ppl can't be mad at u for how u feel...that's just you. So I wasn't sure how much that needed to apply in this situation. Pretty much everyone told me to tell him...get it out...except momma. She was more cautious. Had it been anyone else I prolly would have just thrown their vote out...but she's not anyone else...she's momma. So what do I do? Do I take the risk and tell him...not doing so to be w/ him...but just so I can get it out...and then have chance of him not feeling a thing or wutnot....or do I keep it in and constantly go from day to day and only think of it. IDK The bigger fish to fry...this one is huge. I'd wrote bout goin to my professor bout my failing test grade. Well this week I failed my second test in that class...not like barely 56 & 58. Straight up bombing it. I sent my professor an e-mail to ask her what I needed to do b/c I hadn't got back on depression med yet and even when I do it'll take a few weeks for it take effect. She said for me to pass the class I have to make a 95 or higher on all remaining tests...not impossibly, but very difficult. She suggested I just drop that class rather than fail it but that she would talk to me after lab this week. hello, Krissy has a huge problem. If I drop the class I don't even know if I'll get my money back...she said I could drop for medical reasons and I think someone told me that medical reasons the school refunds u your money. However, what happens if I do drop? I won't have enough hours to be a full-time that means my scholarships would be gone and I'd have to fork over couple thousand dollars. And then they won't offer that class again till next I'd be back to where I was last semester w/ being sorta outta full-time nursing program for a year. Then the ultimate, I have to tell the family. I was thinking to myself a bit ago that I'd rather them know that I have been drinking and whatnot than to be like "yea I'm not even good enough to make it through school". What a huge if I haven't been a big enough one already. I haven't told mom and them I haven't done well on tests b/c I still had hope...till today that is. And of course she'll fully blame it on drinking and my priorities and whatnot. When it's not that...I haven't even been out this semester. I've stayed at school. It's strictly I've lost motivation and can't concentrate. And for some odd reason it's really just that class b/c I'm 95% sure I'll pass the other two classes I have. But it's just this one. I'm trying not to worry too much till I talk to my professor tomorrow and we can talk this out. I'm just freaking out. This is huge. The one thing I've always controlled and been good it seems that I have no control over even it. So what does that leave me w/ control over? Talk bout having depression sure just got worse. Wait till I talk to my therapist bout this. I don't know. I just wanna run away. I can't handle all this. Depression sucks...not being able to concentrate sucks...doing bad in school sucks...constantly feeling like you're nothing but a letdown to your family sucks...this just sucks. I truly don't know what to do. These are those times when I just feel like taking it out on myself like I have before. I'm not like suicidal or anything and don't even really wanna hurt myself...I truly just wanna run away. Start all over...elsewhere. Can it be that easy yet so hard?


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